Useless
by Bacop1
Summary: Lights Up for Bosco. spoilers
1. Default Chapter

I rub my eyes from lack of sleep. I can barely focus on the reports in front of me. I've never been the best at paperwork, Faith often reminded me of that. She would always insist on doing it herself. It was as if I was a little kid in the way. I usually dismissed it as Faith being Faith, but I guess I see the truth now.  
  
I'm useless.  
  
I'm a heartless bastard. Funny, I never thought that of myself. I guess I do now. I am useless. It's true. I've failed everyone. I've messed up everything I've ever done. From being an abused kid, to letting my friends die in the streets of Mogadishu. I let others die on 9/11 while I still lived to tell my sad story. I'm a bigot. A useless bigot with no compassion.  
  
I walked home tonight.  
  
I'm not sure why. I passed her apartment building. With hesitation I went inside. Faith had been at the hospital for a while. So I packed her a bag. I noticed the apartment was a little messed up, so I cleaned it. I ran two loads of clothes through the wash and put them away. I cleared out the fridge. Most of the food was spoiled anyways. I walked to the narket and bought some groceries then put them in her house. I fixed the light in the hallway and tightened the leaky showerhead. I took some money out of my wallet and threw it in the cookie jar I know she keeps for emergencies. I pack a bag for Em and Charlie too.  
  
I walk to Mercy and follow Proctor's directions to Fred's room. They're all asleep. I can't bring myself to wake them so I drop the bags off and leave. Actually, I didn't want to face Faith. I didn't want her to tell me she was sick of me again. I might not be able to take it.  
  
I end up back at the station, and in front of my new car. My old mustang, damged on the 11th sat in storage. I can't find the time to fix it. I hop into my new SUV and pull away from the curb and head home.  
  
I know I have a full bottle of Dewars sitting in my kitchen.  
  
When I get home, I dump it down the drain, just so I'm not tempted.  
  
I don't want to be useless and drunk too. That would just prove her even more right.  
  
I'm a mediocre cop. A hothead no one else wants to be paired with. Not even Faith anymore. ESU laughed at me for trying to get it after my panic attacks. My fear of complete darkness gave them a little extra ammo against me.  
  
I have pain in my chest. Not like the ones I had when I was suffering the panic attacks. It was different. I've felt it a few times before, just never this strong. It was self loathing. It was the pain of knowing my best friend thought I was useless.  
  
Useless.  
  
I turned the ringer off my phone and activate my voicemail. I cannot speak to anyone now.  
  
I lay down and go to sleep.  
  
Hopefully sleeping was one activity I could do without messing up.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****** 


	2. Useless to who?

2 weeks later....  
  
Faith sat in roll call. Today was her first day back on the shift since Fred's heart attack. Since then, he had successful triple bipass surgery and was recovering comfortably in the hospital. He'd be home in a few days. Her family had been a big help with the kids, and now, she was finally back. Her coworkers looked at her differently. Some in sympathy. Some.. well, some were just looking.  
  
"Welcome back." said Davis as he sat down beside her.  
  
"Thanks." she said softly.  
  
She looked around for Bosco. She hadn't seen him since that night in the ER. She'd called, but always got his machine. In a way she was glad. She hadn't been ready to face him, to face the things she'd said to him. She kept scanning the room. This morning before she came to work, she had practiced what she was going to say to him. It always came out wrong. She knew she shouldn't have waited this long, but her family had needed her full attention. She hoped he understood that.  
  
"Where's Bosco?" she asked Sully.  
  
Both Sullivan and Davis looked at her in confusion.  
  
"You don't know?" asked Davis.  
  
"Know what?" she asked.  
  
"Bosco's been working with the DAT Taskforce since you've been off." Said Sully.  
  
"The DAT Taskforce?"  
  
"Yeah. Some Sgt. requested a guy from the 55 to help out with some local drug/arms traffic. They picked Bosco since you weren't here."  
  
"He's been kicking ass too." said Davis with a smile.  
  
"Really?" she asked , a little saddened by the news.  
  
"Yeah. Crazy shit went undercover and recover two crates of Russian AK-47's coming into the city, along with 3 kilos of cocaine." Sully said.  
  
"Wow. Good for him." Faith said.  
  
"It's unreal Faith. Honestly. He's like a man possesed. I've never seen him like this." Davis said quietly as Sgt. Christopher began roll call.  
  
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bosco walk into the room followed by two others. One man, one woman. Bosco was dressed shrply in blue jeans, a black button down shirt, and a black leather motorcycle racing jacket. A very expensive pair of sunglasses hung from his coat pocket and his hair was longer and spiked up. He must have been dressing the part.  
  
"Officer Boscorelli, you have the floor." Lt. Swersky said. Christopher looked pissed because he had been interrupted.  
  
"Just wanted to inform you that the park on Lexington and 143rd is off limits today, as well as the school yard of PS32. That's it." Bosco stated. He hadn't made eye contact with her once.  
  
"Thanks Bosco." Skwersky said.  
  
The rest of roll call went quickly and Faith rushed out to see if she could catch her partner.  
  
She saw him sitting at a desk making a phone call. She sat down and waited for him. He hung up shortly after she sat.  
  
"Hey." she said.  
  
"Hi." he replied.  
  
An uncomfortable silence stretched between them. This had never happened before.  
  
"How's the taskforce going?" Faith asked.  
  
"Okay." he replied. "It's only temporary, if that's what you're asking."  
  
He knew her well.  
  
"Are we okay?" she asked.  
  
"Faith..." he began.  
  
"Yo Bos! Saddle up." called a burly looking officer.  
  
He nodded.  
  
"I have to go."  
  
"Later. Can we talk?"  
  
"Sure." he replied softly.  
  
He stood quickly. She followed suit.  
  
She grabbed his arm before he could go. Damning the consequences, she hugged him hard.  
  
"I'm sorry." she whispered in his ear. "Thank you Bos."  
  
He hugged her back, then reluctantly broke the embrace.  
  
"Later. I promise." he said befor turning and jogging to the door.  
  
Faith wiped a small tear from her eye. Riding solo today would be good for her.  
  
As she got into the RMP she remembered her words to her partner:her best friend. She also recalled bringing the kids home after a long 30 hours in the hospital.  
  
They were all exhausted. Walking inside, she was shocked to see the apartment so immaculate. Clothes that she knew had been dirty before were now clean and folded on the bed. Her fridge had been stocked to the max and the food was fresh, despite the power outtage. Even so, the kids had asked for pizza, and she was too tired to cook anyways. Opening the cookie jar to grab the lone twenty inside, her hand encountered a large wad of money. At that point she thought she was crazy. Charlie opened the fridge and grabbed a 2 liter bottle of soda. Faith smiled. She knew who had done this, only one man she knew actually drank Lemon Pepsi. Bosco, she thought sadly. It was that night she called, and got no answer.  
  
A beep behind her shook her out of her memory. She pulled back into traffic. She owed her partner. She hoped he would be able to forgive her. 


End file.
